Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
