Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
