So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
