You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
