Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize