The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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