so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
