Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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