my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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