There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
