I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
