my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
