I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize