I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
