I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
