some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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