Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
