Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Blood and glitter go together right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
