I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i came on her dog
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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