We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
