Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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