just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
