Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
