I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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