i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
