yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
