WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
