Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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