your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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