sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
