is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
