you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
