I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
