I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
