im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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