the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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