I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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