that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
