Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
