I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
