I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
