It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
