I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
