I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
