just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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