Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
