im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
