maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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