i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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