so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
this boner is exhausting
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
