I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
