I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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