you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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