If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
