Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
