Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
