I've blown a few things in my day
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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